There was a sense of fear around most corners, even though I had an idyllic childhood. There was room to play, run, create and explore with friends.
Now, as an adult I understand my body was trying to protect me. I am a highly sensitive person who picks up on physical, social, and emotional details deeply.
In order to keep me safe as a girl, fear ruled me.
I was the kind of girl who would jump into her bed from as far away as possible, so an illusive arm wouldn't reach out and grab my ankle.
I was the kind of girl who couldn't go upstairs alone in the dark.
I was the kind of girl who couldn't go outside alone.
I was the kind of girl who had to be a field's length away from a dog.
I was the kind of girl who couldn't talk to most people, but especially adults and most especially men.
I was the kind of girl who couldn't handle bugs.
I was the kind of girl who froze when asked a question.
I was the kind of girl who crawled along the top of the playground, too afraid to stand.
I was the kind of girl who found being tucked in bed, deep in my imagination the safest place to be.
(When I turned 7 I got a video painter that hooked up to the TV! I loved it so much!)
My backyard felt big as a little girl. It backed onto train tracks, then a forest, then mountains could be seen behind that. It was beautiful, yet always a little eery to me. I knew that there were wild animals back there. We saw coyotes in our backyard occasionally. So, playing back there was only really done safely, in my mind, when I was with others. Thankfully I wasn't alone a lot because I was the oldest of five and we also had many neighborhood friends and cousins that lived nearby.
Sleep was bliss for me, except when it was interrupted by a reoccuring nightmare. Deep asleep in my rose petalled room, I slumbered into the night. From the edge of the woods beyond the tracks, the nightmare began its usual approach.
I bounded to and fro about the backyard alone, so unlike myself really. I was trying to be courageous, playing on my own. As I turned to spin, I saw the glowing amber eyes materialize at the tree line, emerging from the dark canopy of the mountains. The wolf slunk slowly, coming out from within the forest. I edged closer to the house. I looked again and there were a couple more wolves creeping towards me in slow motion. I would try to run, but my young legs felt as heavy as bricks. I worked so hard to get to the back door. Every time I dared to look back, the pack had doubled, morphing into a single, massive wave of fur and teeth. The darkness looming, the air was thick with panic. Everything moved in a terrifying, slow-motion silence. I opened the back door with the closest wolf only five feet away from me. I jumped inside and slammed it with the wolves' nose pressed up against the glass. I stood there shaking like a leaf, on a breezy spring day. Frozen I stood... until I'd wake up.
This nightmare haunted me all through my childhood. I grew accustomed to it and it got less scary because I knew I would be safe in the end.
(Age 10 and couldn't wait to grow up!)
However...
As I grew up, got married, moved house, moved provinces, travelled, had kids of my own, many of these fears remained. I strived to overcome them, but mostly I just couldn't. It was exhausting to live in a body that was hypervigelent at trying to keep me safe. All kinds of fear held me back. Some I got used to living with and others created more obstacles for me.
After many life lessons, including a heart that's learning to surrender and eyes that have been opened to see the Lord's grace abounding, I had a dream.
There I was on a walk outside in my new neighborhood. We had just moved into this place. The neighbourhood had beautfiul big maple trees that lined the streets as well as lampstands that added a whimsical feel. I noticed a man approaching me with a dog. I glanced back and saw a man a couple blocks away wearing all black, his face was painted black and he was pulling a black monster-esque looking statue on wheels. The statue stood ornate with fangs at seven feet tall. Across the street there was another man all in black tending to his black motorcycle. Three more men came from no where with dogs, All the men were slowly coming towards me from three sides. I felt a moment of panicked fear. But as soon as I did, I heard the Lord say,
"Do not fear, for I am with you!"
The men all stoped walking about three feet away from me in the middle of the street. I stood there on the sidewalk looking at them. I felt this translucent wall of protection shoot up from the earth, between them and I. I slowly forced my shoulderns down and stood up taller. I felt the security of the Lord upon me. I looked the man in all black, who was pulling the black statue straight in the eye and said, "hi". He was so taken aback that he took a step back.
When I woke up with my alarm, the dream flooded my mind with questions I knew I had to take to the Lord in prayer.
(The whimsical street lamps that line our new neighbourhood)
After seeking the Lord, I believe He reminded me that Jesus blood tore the veil. The shackles have been released, I am a new creation, adopted into His kingdom family and I have power over fear with Him. He has done so much beautiful work in me, I feel He's saying to me, it's time to say goodbye to fear, most especially, fear of man.
The enemies' hold of fear over my life has been taken away and a brand new courage without striving, a brand new lease on what I can do with my Mighty Father by my side has been found! He is my hiding place; my bed no longer is the safest place for me. When I look to my King, I know I am safe. He's got me under his wing and I am free!
(Proverbs 13: 19-21 Mixed Media 'Blessings for the Righteous')
The Lord revealed many different aspects of what this dream meant to me and I don't know that I need to get into all the details. However, I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it well. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I know the Sovereign Lord's power cannot be matched. This power has now been put inside me in place of fear. I no longer run back inside, like the little girl did. I walk outside with courage from my Almighty Father, to face anything that may come my way.
The Lord is doing a new thing in me since replacing fear with His power. He's given me greater capacity to use the gifts He's given me, the power to banish, the knowledge to walk in His ways, the calling to share the hope I've found in Him. That is what redeemed from fear looks like so far! He is greater in me, than he who is in the world.
(In the garden, co-creating with my King!)