I've been trying, but I don't always do the things I know to do
And I'd be lying if I said most days I look just like you too
Yeah, but I hope there's something that they see
In the life of love, I lead
Iv'e got something that they need
And I hope in everything I do
There's a little more of you
And that there's something so different
They're wondering what's missing
Cause something don't look quite the same
Yeah, there's nothing like someone who shows up with your love
And loves with a love that can make
Something so right, love that's so bright
It don't look like anything that the world has ever seen
Words that felt like a prayer from my heart. I want to look different to others, I want to be misunderstood by some, and to be questioned by those who don't understand. If hearts aren't aligned then much of what I say won't make sense and that's ok. Here I am, trying to speak from a place of learning, growing and abiding in the one that makes all things clear.
Little did I know on that rainy Thursday, as I walked into MCC Thrift Shop to fill time while my son was taking an exam, that a little coaster would create a ripple effect. I don't even know why I stopped to look at it, as it camouflaged well with the other trinkets. Perhaps it was the spirit, for He is always at work. I blinked as I read the words carved into it. I picked it up, read it again and placed it back down as I was transported back to 1996.
I was an eight year old girl, fawny brown hair and blue eyes wide, standing in my Grandma's well organized garage. It was her haven for creativity. Plastic yogurt containers carefully stored away collected items for one day. There were milk carton lids bright pink and blue in one container, brown speckled buttons in another, assorted feathers tucked away neatly, everything had it's place. It was a well-ordered adventure to step foot into Grandma's garage. Garage pronounced 'GAH-rig' in her english accent. We only went in there when it was time to be creative. It was always an exciting mission to create something from the collected items neatly organized all around.
I remember one such visit into this whimsical garage. We, my red-headed cousin and I, were pulling items to create a masterpiece in our minds. Grandma asked, "Do you like colouring books?" I don't recall how I responded, but I certainly didn't know at the time how this question would take root in me. She then questioned, "It's more fun to colour outside the lines anyways, right?" I hadn't ever really considered it and I wouldn't consider this sentiment for many more years.
Back at MCC, I knew I needed this coaster because the core memory it sparked seemed to speak to my soul. It came home with me and now I feel like I have a piece of my Grandma in my studio.
Upon completing my practice canvas at the end of February, I've felt there is one big takeaway. The Lord is revealing to me, to move more freely. I believe He's gently reminding me to loosen up, to let go and to be free in my expression. I certainly got in my head between the practice canvas and the precious first canvas of the collection. I lost sight a little and started putting undue pressure on my self that it had to turn out perfect. It took me a week or so, just to unwrap the canvas and lay down some primer. The first couple layers were rigid. Then it sat. I didn't know why I was blocked, until the Lord reminded me that this commissioned collection was going to be created only when I work freely in Him. When I try to tighten my grasp, try to take control, I'm putting the outcome on my own shoulders. When I loosen my grasp, I'm letting Him take control.
I knew I needed to practice, once this lesson of surrender clicked in my brain. So, I placed a mixed media sketch book on the table. I chose a blue posca pen and held a paper cutout mushroom to my right. I traced the outline of the mushroom with my eyes, as I drew the outline with my non-dominant hand withholding my gaze from the page. All I could do was look at the source. I didn't know what the outcome would be. I had to surrender control. Each time I completed a mushroom, I'd look at the page and laugh with delight, it was never what I was expecting, but it was always beautifully loose, organic and expressive.
This reminder to keep my eyes on the source and to surrender the outcome was and will continue to be a meaningful practice for me. It's practical in application and remindes me of the one from which all my creativity flows. The one true source, He knows all the glorious outcomes before I do and I can rely on Him with each new day/ piece of art.
Placing my mug of coffee atop 'It's more fun to colour outside the lines' had been a sweet momento of a memory. It's now painted pink with green letters, as both my Grandma and I would agree, beige is not the right colour for it. It's a cheerful anchor point on my desk and something that carries even more weight now that the Lord has been speaking freedom into my life. He doesn't have these insurmountable expectations of perfection for us. He just longs for us to take delight in being with him and opening ourselves up enough for Him to work through us. This little coaster now holds this door to freedom wide open for me, it's a reminder to me to walk alongside the King into the assignments He's given me.
Alongside exploring freedom in painting, I'm exploring freedom in my voice. Speaking up more frequently and writing blogs more consistently alongside the Spirit. I'm pushing myself to open my mouth and say a few words out loud in social settings and on social media. I believe the Lord gave me a voice for a reason and I want to be willing to speak when He asks. The fear of saying the wrong thing, stepping on people's toes, but maybe even more so, the fear of being judged, keeps me from opening my mouth. This is not what the Lord wants for me. He's given me a voice on purpose. So for Him, I'll be speaking up more. There may be accountability needed in this.
At the root of perfectionism, I've found, is a fear of not being "good enough." However, when I dwell on the fact that the King of king's is alive with me in my studio, there is no place for fear. He created me with intention to create alongside Him. It's far too beautiful a picture to let fear have a place in it. He's calling me into a freedom in Him that is all my heart longs for. So you, dear reader, can expect to find a whole lot more free lines and looseness in the first piece of the
H I D D E N collection coming soon.
Thank you for reading and I hope this can encourage you to live in the freedom of our Lord!